


Beautiful mess

by LittleMessOfAnxiety



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comforting Sirius, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, remus has bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:07:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28940436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMessOfAnxiety/pseuds/LittleMessOfAnxiety
Summary: Remus tries to relax alone for a moment only to notice his brains chose other vice.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 34





	Beautiful mess

**Author's Note:**

> So hey! This is my first fic I have ever published so, hope you like it!  
> Forgive my English, not my first language.

“Hey! Remus, where are you going?” Remus turns his head to see all the other marauders sitting in the common room. Sirius’ face is looking at him questioning. He was the one too who asked where he is going. "Can't I go to relax for a moment with my book without you three disturbing me?" Remus rolls his eyes before he turns to continue his walk to their bedroom. None of them follows him or even suspects something might be wrong. "Wait nothing is even wrong...right?" Remus shakes his head continuing to walk to their room.

When Remus has closed the bedroom's door he lays down to the bed starting to read the book, but something feels off. He tries to focus to the words, but it feels like he can't understand anything on the page. He tries desperately keep his mind focused to the text, but his mind is already wondered to other things. "Seriously, what now" he mutters to himself. "Nothing is wrong!" Remus throws the book frustrated. 

"You sure about that? You did say pretty harshly to your friends before coming here. How do you know they aren't right now talking about you and how rude you were? How disappointed they are about you, how much they actually hate you? How they just pretend to be your friend, but actually are laughing behind your back, thinking how someone as pathetic as you could even imagine they wanna spend time with you" 

Remus is trying not to cry. "Tha- that's not true, that all is just a lie, do not listen it" Remus tries to calm down and keep his breathing normal even though he can feel this pressure on his chest growing making it lot harder. “Nobody loves you, they all are just faking it, they actually hates you, they are doing all of that just because they pity you, you’re so fucking pathetic human being, oh right... you aren’t even a human...”. Now Remus actually can't breath anymore and he can feel the panic creeping up. “No... those... those are lies... th-they lo..love me..” and even though he is barely whispering his voice can be heard shaking.

"Who would love monster like you?"

Suddenly Remus stands up, only to fall down to the floor now full on panic attack not able to breath and non-stop tears falling down his face. He is trying to get his long frame as small as possible by hugging his legs trying to calm down same time even though he knows there isn’t use for that anymore. “Everyone hates me... because I am a monster... monster who doesn’t deserve to live... monster who should have already been killed a long time ago” Remus mind keep screaming him these thought. Everything just feels too much. Every voice is too loud, every feeling feels too overwhelming, everyone feels like they are against him.

Remus can feel his eyes are hurting and probably really red already. But the tears don’t stop just because it hurts. It starts to more and more feel like he will black out soon which just result Remus getting even more panicked. “Nobody can find me like this, they will just think more how pathetic I am, not able to even control my own mind” He stands up as fast as he can stumbling straight to the bathroom. He throws his tie and shirt off since they feel too tight like they had something against him too. He still kick his pants off before get in the shower turning it on to as cold as it can get.

The cold water hits his face and at first the shock of cold totally gets Remus by surprise and for a moment he can’t do anything else than hold his breath. He stands under the shower letting the cold water rush over his body. By the time the water doesn't feel anymore so cold, more of comforting wake up. Remus' breathing starts to stabilize and his mind starts to calm down, get more quiet again. He doesn’t move until he can feel he can totally breath normally again.

Remus isn’t sure how long he stood there before he finally closes the shower. He takes off the remained now wet clothes and dry himself. Remus puts on the pants he finds from the floor. He picks up the shirt and tie too as he is walking back to bedroom and drops them to next to his bed before straightening himself just to see the mirror and himself. For couple second he stares this lanky reflection which is his. He walks closer to the mirror still staring his reflection. “What a mess” he glares to the mirror, but you can clearly see how tired and given up he looks. He starts moving his fingers along the scars which are all over his body. All of just a reminder how fuck up he is… what kind of monster he is.

He changes his focus to his actual body. This tall lanky body. “Who ever would like to look this” Remus sighs as he starts pinching the fat in his body. "No wonder the shirt felt tight" he mutters to himself. Remus is sure he has got even more fat. He moves touching the rib cage which can be easily seen through the skin. He can feel how his tears are starting to fall again. “Who would ever love monster like this?” Remus hugs himself wishing he could disappear and never ever feel anything. This evening hasn't went at all like he wanted.

“Me”.

Remus turns quickly his head to the door which he wasn’t even noticed had been opened. Sirius is looking him with sad eyes. “Sirius, I- how much did you hear?” Remus is starting to panic. “Enough” Sirius firmly says before he walks quickly to the taller boy and brings him to the tightest hug Remus has ever felt. Remus is shocked, but automatically wraps his hands around the other boy and leans his head to his shoulder letting himself to cry. Remus can't understand why Sirius keeps acting like he cares about him. He knows he hates him. "I'm the worst boyfriend ever" Remus whispers to Sirius shoulder thinking he didn't hear anything, but Sirius did start to squeeze him even harder right after that.

Sirius keeps hugging him until Remus starts to wrap his hands around him. Before Remus can say anything Sirius is already shaking his head. “No, now I want you to listen me” Remus nods not even sure what he would have said. “Remus, you are not on monster, never have been and never will be. You are many things, one of my best friends, my boyfriend, wonderful person, top student and many many other things, but one of those things isn’t monster. You are kind, warm, passionate human, who wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. You are... beautiful, you have one of the most purest soul I have ever met… you deserve so much” Sirius moves his hand to Remus cheek which is wet from previous tears and the ones which are still running down his face now.

“Moony, you have no idea how beautiful you are. Every inch of your skin. Every scar in it, they are all beautiful. They make you my Moony. You say you’re mess, but aren’t we all? You are my beautiful mess and I’m planning to keep you as long as I can since.... I love you”. Remus shakes his head, but Sirius grabs his head to both of his hands. “I love you, and I will even use my whole life to convince what an incredible person you are if I have to. You are my Moony, my love of live, my friend, my reason to be here” Sirius is staring straight to Remus eyes.

For a moment Remus can’t do anything else than let the tears keep going, but he finally raises his hands to top of Sirius’ ones. “I love you too”. He slowly leans closer to Sirius meeting his lips. The kiss is sweet and soft full of love just what Remus needed on that moment. He still isn’t sure can he believe what Sirius said to him, but at least he has reason to wake up on next day. And maybe some day, he doesn’t need the every day reminder about it.


End file.
